Connecting With Others:
A Work Scenario


From a reader:

I was recently hired to do some consulting work for a company and one of the people I work with who oversees the project has been yelling at me because I'm not doing things the way he wants them done. The thing is, this person is not my boss and he shouldn't be telling me what to do since my role is to provide the company with an analysis of their system. This particular person is supposed to provide me with details outlining the scope of the operation and that's all. So far, other key people I've had meetings with are very open and supportive of the work I'm doing - they want me to continue as I'm doing. I've also received several sympathetic nods from others there who seem to have had similar experiences but I don't think anybody has ever confronted this guy. It's my nature to be cooperative and I don't want to cause a scene but the way this particular person treats me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I don't enjoy dealing with conflict and need some suggestions.

Rachelle's Response: I'm not able to check this out with you but it sounds like you're feeling some frustration and that you have a few needs to attend to here: ease and harmony with co-workers as well as clear communication and respect for your role as a consultant. For the purpose of this exercise, let's imagine that you have another encounter with this person where he raises his voice and says, "You're not supposed to be examining those details. This is what you're supposed to do!"


Here's what might follow:

Consultant: When you tell me I'm not supposed to examine these details, I experience confusion and I have a need for clarity. Can you let me know what your understanding is around my role here?

Project Manager: Yes, you've got to assess this system and do it within a very tight time frame AND the best way for you to achieve this is to adhere to my directives.

Consultant: It sounds like you're feeling some anxiety around this, especially with the deadline looming ahead and that you want some reassurance that this job can be achieved in a competent and efficient way. Is this accurate?

Project Manager: Yes and it makes no sense for you to deviate from my plan - it will be a waste of time.

Consultant: So when you see the work I've done so far, you're worried that the limited time we have is not being used effectively. I'm also hearing that your need to trust in my ability to deliver is not being met.

Project Manager: Yes, you've got me worried.

Consultant: I'm grateful for this discussion because I share your concerns and like you, would like to give the client what they want - and I want to do it in a way that meets my needs for excellence and value. I'm somewhat concerned however when you tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing. I have a need for mutual respect for our roles and I would like us to have trust and confidence in each others skills and abilities. I'd also like to check with you right now to find out what you're hearing me say.

Project Manager: You're saying you want to deliver quality work and that you want me to trust you.

Consultant: Yes, I would like to experience a level of trust between us around our roles. How do you feel about that?

Project Manager: I'm not sure I can trust you when we have such differences of opinion about how this job should be done.

Consultant: So you experience confusion and concern and you need reassurance that the work I am doing will in fact meet the clients needs even though I may not be working on this project the same way you would?

Project Manager: That's correct.

Consultant: I'm also wondering if you have a need for recognition for your contribution to this assignment?

Project Manager: That's also correct. I know some things about the system that would be good for you to know.

Consultant: You would really like me to listen to what you have to offer so that I can integrate some or all of this information in my research which will assist us delivering quality work to the client?

Project Manager: Right.

Consultant: I'm wondering how we can meet your needs for reassurance and recognition without it compromising my freedom to use my expertise as I see fit?

Project Manager: You tell me.

Consultant (reflects): How would you feel about getting some other folks involved? There are members of this organization that I've met with who feel confident in how things are proceeding so far. Would hearing feedback from them provide you with some reassurance as well as spending some time with me so that we can go over any areas of confusion?

Project Manager: Yes, I suppose both those would be helpful. I'll set up a meeting with the others.

Consultant: OK, great. I'm relieved that we've had this discussion. I also want to let you know that I'm grateful for your support and valuable input and am keenly aware of your commitment to excellence on this project.

Project Manager: Thank you. I appreciate hearing that.


Some readers may think that an expression of gratitude on the Consultant's part at the end is somewhat contrived, especially given the frustration that was expressed initially. I wrote this however as a sincere expression since it's my experience that as we remain focused on needs in our interactions, a shift takes place within us that allows us to perceive the humanity of the other person - we truly do feel grateful for what we see in the other - in this particular case, I sensed the project manager's need to contribute quality work to the organization as well as a need for recognition for his knowledge and experience - he simply had not learned how to express it in a way that's easy to hear. I would like to add that gratitude should not be expressed unless it is sincere. Our desire is to express our honesty in a way that facilitates connection with others.

Relationships are a work in progress - it would be unrealistic to say that there will not be more opportunities to resolve conflict. It would also be unrealistic to say that resolving conflict is easy. Expressing our honesty from a place of compassion that leaves an opening for respectful understanding between people requires inner courage as well as vigilance - we all know just how easy it is to lose our wits or walk away having suppressed what's inside - both of these are painful.

On a final note, it may be that a person feels far too exposed to verbally express their pain in the workplace. In this case, I suggest that one offers themselves the empathy they need or ask a friend to simply listen as you express your pain. And don't stop there . . . once you've received empathy, quietly offer empathy to the person who has triggered you - connect with what you believe their feelings and needs might be. This can often produce very positive results as well since your own energy will shift and will likely be sensed by the person who triggered you the next time you're in each other's presence. When we no longer perceive the other person as the enemy and the source of our pain, the words we speak come out of a different energy than the words that come from an energy of self-defense and blame.