Connecting With Others:
Adult Daughter and Father Dialogue


From a Reader:

I had a recent interaction with my father that I'm struggling with. I have been exploring starting my own business and I asked him for a couple of things. While he agreed to assist me, he also proceeded to give me advice that I had not asked for. As I have done so many times in the past, I listened to him even though I didn't want to and felt mounting resentment inside. I feel really upset because he often treats me like a little girl even though I'm an adult. I want to tell him to stop it but it hasn't worked out so well in the past when I've done that.


Rachelle's Response:

Here's a possibility:

Daughter: Dad, I'm wondering if you're feeling worried because you care about my financial security and want to protect me from any loss?

Father: Of course! You know about the situations I've been in and how things didn't work out so well for our family. I don't want you making the same mistake.

Daughter: So you feel scared about any pain I might experience if I go ahead with this?

Father: Why don't you find a job instead? There's no risk involved. You don't need all the aggravation of starting a business.

Daughter: It sounds like my well being is really important to you and you want to do all you can to ensure my well being.

Father: I guess I am trying to protect you from repeating the mistakes I made. It can take a long time to recover from mistakes.

Daughter: Do you feel some sadness and regret about some of the choices you made that didn't protect our family's financial resources as you would have liked?

Father: Things would've turned out differently if I had taken more time and been more cautious.

Daughter: I'm wondering Dad if you'd like to hear what goes on in me when I hear all this?

Father: Sure.

Daughter: I'm so grateful for your sharing this with me. I now understand how it's your deep caring for me that is motivating you to share your earlier concerns with me. I care just as much about protecting myself as you do and I'm wondering what I could say or do that might give you some reassurance that I will be alright?


It's likely that much more would be said but that's the gist of it. Father might offer something specific (such as going over financial reports, business plan etc.) or perhaps this interaction might actually provide the reassurance he wants - he knows that he has been heard and that his needs have been clearly understood. After hearing the daughter empathizing with his needs, he may feel relief that she recognizes his needs and feel some growing confidence in her choices as well as the bittersweet realization that he cannot realistically protect her from life's pain.

In this particular case, I chose to connect with the father's needs first instead of having the daughter express hers first. I believe her primary need was for respect for her choices and that this need is simultaneously met through this dialogue as the daughter realizes how much he values her well-being. To connect immediately with the father's needs requires "giraffe ears" - thoughts like "he's treating me like a kid again" which foster alienation need to be replaced with the question: "when he says these things to me, what is he feeling and what needs is he trying to meet?" Asking this question redirects our attention - instead of perceiving the father as someone who is against the daughter, we become aware that father and daughter share common needs and that in fact, the father was simply communicating his caring for the daughter in a way that was challenging for the daughter to hear. However, if the daughter puts her "giraffe ears" on, she hears no criticism and is able to tune in to father's needs. This is one option.

Connecting With Others: A Father And Daughter Dialogue (.pdf)

(.pdf reader download)