Frequently Asked Questions
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a life-changing way of interacting. It is a processed conceived by author and international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. (Read Chapter One of Nonviolent Communication by clicking here.) By consciously choosing our responses based on meeting needs instead of on expressing habitual responses that alienate others, it is possible to resolve differences peacefully. NVC avoids making people defend themselves from value-laden judgments, employs clear requests in place of demands, and allows everyone to get their needs met on their own terms, without coercion, fear of retribution, or loss of self-esteem.
I think the following quote from a workshop participant captures the NVC experience very well. We can substitute the words "man", "married", "divorce" for other words found in workplace relationships, or parent-child relationships, and the message is equally powerful.
When I learned how I can receive (hear), as well as give (express), through using NVC, I went beyond feeling attacked and ‘door mattish’ to really listening to words and extracting their underlying feelings. I discovered a very hurting man to whom I had been married for 28 years. He had asked me for a divorce the weekend before the [NVC] workshop. To make a long story short, we are here today—together, and I appreciate the contribution [it has] made to our happy ending. . . . I learned to listen for feelings, to express my needs, to accept answers that I didn’t always want to hear. He is not here to make me happy, nor am I here to create happiness for him. We have both learned to grow, to accept and to love, so that we can each be fulfilled.
— workshop participant at Marshall Rosenberg workshop in San Diego
What are the typical situations in which I can use NVC?
NVC can be used in any relationship and in any setting – be it personal or business – where conflict arises. At home you may have a difficult teen or you think your spouse is not being open enough. At the office employees seem disgruntled, unproductive or uncooperative. Both of these situations are often caused by a lack of communication or miscommunication. Quite often one or more of the people in a personal or professional relationship may not even realize the problem, which is where NVC can help.
How would NVC benefit me?
NVC helps you get your true needs met - an integral part of saving valuable relationships. We live in a world of miscommunication, often misinterpreting what each other is saying. We often go on the defensive when we have differences with others. We use words like right/wrong, good/bad, normal/abnormal etc and apply a moralistic judgment which consistently increases tension. NVC instead promotes the use of value judgments. This means clearly observing the behaviour and letting others know what needs of ours are not met by it. By using this form of language we become less antagonistic towards each other and act in a pro-active way.
I still feel skeptical about NVC. What's with that?
You're heading a little into the unknown. Because NVC is about expressing our honesty, we may feel vulnerable at times and it's natural to feel hesitant about anything you haven’t heard of before – you are taking a risk. Another common reason for skepticism might be that you'd don't trust that it's possible to get results. Skepticism is natural and healthy. Just don't let keep you stuck and prevent you from openly exploring productive alternatives.
Once I've started using NVC, how will my life be different?
You'll likely feel an immense hope and optimism as you recognize your own power to deepen your connection with yourself and others. NVC may help to clarify situations and identify your feelings and needs, make clear requests to meet those needs, and support others to do the same. Once you've learned how to communicate your feelings and needs to others in a way that doesn't blame or criticize, and also takes their needs into account, you're well on the road to re-connecting with others and discovering solutions.
How long does it take to become adept with NVC?
Learning NVC is like learning any new language - it takes some time. There is an initial exciting as well as awkward phase as you explore and learn to identify your own feelings and needs. But like any other skill or competency, the most important piece is commitment and persistence. The greater the commitment, the greater the payoff will be. It can be said though that many people, simply by embracing the notion of communicating in this new way, experience significant successes even after a 1 or 2 day workshop.
How can I use NVC to help others in my life?
The first step is to help ourselves by getting in touch with ourselves. We need to explore our self-talk, thought processes and actions. And we need to become acquainted with our needs and associated feelings. When we get clarity on our own feelings and needs, the universality of these becomes apparent. With practice, it becomes much easier to identify the feelings and needs in others which is of course of great benefit to everyone. The beauty is that it only takes one person to set the stage for a significant breakthrough in a relationship - which can't help but rub off on other people.