If you’re married or in an intimate relationship, you already know that there are challenges. What most couples don’t realize is that most of their challenges are socially and culturally generated.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of things you can do on your own when you run into trouble. There are. But when you can fully appreciate that the root of your relationship challenges doesn’t revolve entirely around your respective “character flaws”, or to the inadequacies of your parents when they raised you, you will develop more compassion for the hardships that inevitably come with the territory of being a couple .. which is HUGE and important step.

You might also realize that the notion that couples “should” be skilled enough to muddle through challenges on their own is a complete fantasy.

Couples have historically never done things completely on their own. In relationally turbulent times, a calm and sympathetic third party can often provide insight into your relationship that you’re both too personally caught up in to sort through.

To assist you in your couple’s relationship dance, I have created a playlist on my YouTube channel designed specifically for you and your partner. You can either begin watching below or visit my channel where you can browse the playlist and select the videos that most interest you. If your partner isn’t available to watch the videos with you, I recommend that you schedule time to watch the videos together. Make the decision that your relationship is important enough for the two of you to sit down together and learn from those who have devoted a significant chunk of their lives studying the dynamics of relationships.

Important note: be sure to watch these from a clear intention of learning how you both feed into your relationship dynamics. What you don’t want is for your partner to think that you’re trying to correct their poor behaviour by showing them a video (ie: hey honey .. if YOU just follow the relationship advice of this expert then WE can finally be happy!) Not a good idea! Instead, approach the exercise with humility and with the understanding that you’re both in this together.

ESTHER PEREL

I also highly recommend that you listen to Esther Perel’s podcast series Where Should We Begin. You will hear Perel counsel real couples as they reveal the most intimate, personal, and complicated details of the conflicts that have brought them to her door. Esther skillfully creates a space for us to hear our own lives and struggles articulated in the stories of others. Conversations cover real life issues such as infidelity, lack of sexual desire or intimacy, how children impact marriage, etc.

ALAIN DE BOTTON

The thing is that love gives us a ringside seat on somebody else's flaws, so of course you're gonna spot some things that kinda need to be mentioned. But often the romantic view is to say, 'If you loved me, you wouldn't criticize me.' Actually, true love is often about trying to teach someone how to be the best version of themselves.

—Alain de Botton